“A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.”
- John Lubbock
Our human brains are hardwired to worry. It helps us to survive.
Or it used to - when there were real dangers to worry about - like tigers in the night and rival tribes robbing our homesteads.
Nowadays we spend much of our time worrying about things like whether or not the bus will be late, what our boss thought of our last email and whether our kids will grow up to be sensible adults.
None of these worries keep us alive.
They don’t add to our lives.
Heck, they are more tiring than the life we’re actually living.
So today I’m going to share how I help my clients to cope with worry. As an added bonus I’ve recorded a ‘Let your worries go’ exercise for you, which you can listen to.
The questions that stop you worrying:
The next time you catch yourself worrying, stop to ask yourself these three questions:
Is this thing I am worrying about actually happening right now?
Is there anything I can do about this worry?
Does me worrying about this change anything?
For example; if you are worrying that you may lose your job and then not be able to pay your rent and then become homeless - the answers to these questions are:
No
No
… worrying may negatively affect your performance
On the other hand if you have just lost your job and you don’t have enough money in your bank account to pay your rent and you’ve received notice from your landlord the answers to these questions are:
Yes
Yes (ask for help, find a new job, take out a loan, stay with family etc.)
Yes if I come up with a plan and act on my plan
The difference between fruitful and fruitless worry:
The difference between these two examples is that in one case it leads to no change (except that maybe you’ve suffered for an hour imagining worst case scenarios and come up with 10 back up plans that make you feel slightly more in control), whereas in the other case, when the thing is actually happening and you can do something about it, your worry has led to change.
Worry is only helpful when it leads to meaningful action.
What to do with fruitful worries:
When you discover that the answers to my three questions above are YES - then the worry is likely fruitful and you should come up with a plan to solve the problem and then act on it.
Without the plan and action the worry becomes relegated to the fruitless category.
What to do with fruitless worries:
Recognise that what you are worrying about hasn’t happened yet and may never happen. Or recognise that no matter how much you worry it is out of your control.
Accept that the bad thing may or may not happen. Accept that you can only change anything when the situation is happening or if something is in your control.
Refocus your attention onto the present (use my ‘Letting your worries go’ exercise for this).
The next time your brain throws a “but what if” worry at you, practice replying with a gentle “maybe that will happen”.
Do NOT make a plan for how to deal if that ‘what if’ happens. Each plan you make for something that hasn’t happened yet, each reassurance you give yourself that the bad thing won’t happen, is like a candy reward to your brain for worrying.
The brain learns “worrying leads to me feeling more in control” and worries more and more.
Read more about this vicious cycle in my article on worry here.
Instead be gentle, reply “maybe it will happen” and refocus your attention onto your actual life. The one that is actually happening to you right now. Not the terrible one that your brain is making up because it has gotten into a habit of worrying.
Summary:
Worry is only helpful when it is about something that is actually happening, that is in your control and that leads to action or change.
Making a plan for how to deal with worries about things that haven’t happened or that are out of your control might make you feel better in the moment, but in the long run it trains your brain to worry more.
Comment on this article to share what helps you with worrying:
Know someone who worries? Share this article with them if you think they will find it helpful.
New here and loved this email? Then subscribe using the button below.
Images from www.canva.com
Find out more about me at www.efiaskitchen.com
Would you like to work one to one with me to learn how to manage worries? Then book a free 15 minute intro call here.
Share this post